Why Happy People Cheat

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She’s starting to feel the corroding results of the secret, and getting sloppier by the day. Danger follows her to each movie theater and secluded parking lot. Perhaps understanding what motivated his spouse’s duplicity would do nothing to alleviate Colin’s ache. Even after decades of this work, I still can not predict what individuals will do after they discover a companion’s infidelity.

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The flicker with an old flame provides a unique mixture of built-in belief, danger taking, and vulnerability. In addition, it is a magnet for our lingering nostalgia. The individual I once was, but lost, is the person you as soon as knew. of on a regular basis life, the parallel universe of the affair is often idealized, infused with the promise of transcendence. For some people, like Priya, it’s a world of risk—an alternate actuality in which they can reimagine and reinvent themselves.

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They just may not be the best keys to unlock the that means of the affair. Sometimes when we search the gaze of another, it’s not our companion we are turning away from, but the person we now have become. We usually are not on the lookout for one other lover so much as one other model of ourselves. The Mexican essayist Octavio Paz described eroticism as a “thirst for otherness.” So typically, the most intoxicating “different” that people discover in an affair isn’t a brand new companion; it’s a brand new self.

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Then again, it’s experienced as limitless exactly as a result of it is contained throughout the limits of its clandestine structure. Perhaps this explains why so many individuals subscribe to the symptom principle. Blaming a failed marriage is easier than grappling with our existential conundrums, our longings, our ennui. The drawback is that, not like the drunk, whose search is futile, we are able to always discover issues in a marriage.

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For centuries, when affairs had been tacitly condoned for males, this pain was ignored, since it was mostly skilled by women. Contemporary tradition, to its credit score, is more compassionate toward the jilted. But if we’re to shed new light on one of our oldest behaviors, we need to study it from all sides. In the give attention to trauma and restoration, too little attention is given to the meanings and motives of affairs, to what we are able to study from them.